The following is what would have taken place if Daniel Plainview had been in the ad biz, and he'd have been pitching his services to a non-progressive potential client...
OPEN on a board room.
EL PRESIDENTE DEL AGENCY
Ladies and gentlemen. I’ve traveled over half our country to be here tonight. I couldn’t get away sooner because my new client was coming in at noon and I had to see about it.
That account is now buying space in six publications, and is paying me billings of five thousand dollars a week. I have two others buying and I have six producing spots in Los Angeles.
So, ladies and gentlemen, if I say I’m an ad man, you will agree…
(BEAT)
You have a great chance here. But bear in mind: you can lose it all if you’re not careful.
Out of all men that beg for a chance to make your ads, maybe one in twenty will be ad men. The rest will be hacks – that’s men trying to get between you and the ad men – to get some of the money that ought by rights come to you.
Even if you find one that has talent, and means to concept, he’ll maybe know nothing about interactive, and he’ll have to hire the job out on contract. And then you’re depending on a web production house that will rush the job through, so they can get another job just as quick as they can. This is the way that this works.
(AN OFF-CAMERA VOICE INTERRUPTS, LOUDLY; El Presidente holds his composure)
OC VOICE
What is your offer? We’re wasting time!
OC VOICE
Please! Shhh!
EL PRESIDENTE DEL AGENCY
I do my own advertising. And the men who work for me, work for me. They are men I know. I make it my business to be there and see to their work.
I don’t lose my scripts in the system and spend days looking for them. I don’t botch post-production and let editors take over and ruin the whole spot.
I am a family man. I run a family business. This is my bro and my ECD, El Vice Presidente. We offer you the bond of an independent shop that very few ad men can understand.
I’m fixed like no other agency in this field, and that’s because my insurance account has just come in. I have a string of Creatives all ready to put to work. I can comp up some storyboards and have them here in a week. I have business connections, so I can get the photographer for the shoots – such things go by friendship in a rush like this.
And this is why I can guarantee to start concepting and put up the campaigns to back my word. I assure you ladies and gentlemen, no matter what the others promise to do, when it comes to the pitch, they won’t be there.
REVERSE, THE ROOM, THAT MOMENT.
About TEN CLIENTS have packed themselves into a very small CONFERENCE ROOM. They are a hungry group, smarting from the recent economic downturn.
MAN
That’s fine. That’s just fine. But how do you propose to charge time billable?
WOMAN
What are you saying, Mr. Ad Man?
MAN
We don’t have time for this if you can’t tell us how you plan to bill each and every person in this room!
ANOTHER MAN
Let him finish! Let him finish!
WOMAN
Infringing on our brand and taking our money!
HOLD ONTO THE ROOM. The room erupts as each client screams and yells and unleashes their wrath at each other about how their billing should be divided, and dimensions of “four color bleeds” and “magazine spreads.” One client yells “We should just start our own in-house agency, it’d be much easier!” Another client counters with “Bull!”
We witness human dignity go out the window.
El Presidente stands, slowly turns and walks out the door, without being noticed. El Vice President walks out behind El Presidente.
Outside the conference room, a Mr. Random follows them out and pleads his case.
MR. RANDOM TOADY
No, please, Mr. Ad Guy, where are you going?
EL PRESIDENTE DEL AGENCY
I don’t need the account, thank you.
MR. RANDOM TOADY
But we need you! We’d need you to begin—
EL PRESIDENTE DEL AGENCY
There’s too much confusion. Thank you for your time.
MR. RANDOM TOADY
No, no, no, there’s no confusion, please come back and we can all settle this—
EL PRESIDENTE DEL AGENCY
I wouldn’t take the account if you gave it to me as a gift.
El Presidente and Vice Presidente continue walking. They pass the receptionist without acknowledging her and march to the elevator, which closes behind them.
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